Bingeing and Loathing in the UK

The last week or so my weight has been rising. Those hard-won half-pounds and quarter-pounds have come piling back on in multi-pound onslaughts. Why does it come off so hard and go on so easy? This morning I weighed in at 15 stone 2.2 (212.2 pounds). So I reverted to what I have always done when disgusted with myself – I punished myself with food. Actually, I started yesterday, after weighing in at 15 stone 1.6 for two days in a row. There have been sweets, chocolate, crisps. Bag after bag, one after another. Literally one after another. Even when I felt sick I kept going. I made special journeys to the garage on my way home to stock up and finished the lot off before I got back.

This evening, I had booked a massage after work. I lay on the table thinking…I can’t do it, it’s too hard. I want liposuction. I have NEVER thought that before. Then I started thinking, what’s wrong with me that I hate my body so much that I want to go home and cut at it with a knife. If I’d lived in another age my voluptuous (read fat) body would have been desirable. My hubby desires and loves me the way I am. Why can’t I love myself? On the other hand, with a family history and my weight and size I am setting myself up for all sorts of health problems in the not too distant future. I went to a wedding this weekend and there was a Ceilidh – scottish dancing. I stayed in my chair, as always, knowing that I wouldn’t make it 10 seconds before I collapsed gasping, let alone a whole dance. I watched fat people, old people, and people my age all jumping up and having a ball, and I felt disgusting.

I have been writing this blog since July, and my weight is pretty much what it was back then. But then I remind myself that a couple of years ago I weighed in at nearly 17 stone (238 pounds), so I’m better off now than I was then. I guess in this journey there are going to be lots of false starts. I just need to keep moving in the right direction and I will eventually get there. OK, maybe not as quickly as I’d like. Not as quickly who seem to be able to start a plan and give it everything and stick to it. But I will get there. I have changed in the last couple of years. I am happier, for a start, the last couple of days notwithstanding. I do more exercise. Not as often as I should, but I’m definitely more active. I’ve tried juicing and liked it. Heck, I don’t know what it’s going to take to get it into my thick skull, but I guess I’ll just keep trying, dealing with the demons one by one as they arise. That’s it for now. ‘night all.