Cookies, cheeseburgers, and that sinking feeling

Hi All,

Back home, back on my own computer (Mac’s rule!!), links all sorted, supershake down me, and ready to face the world, as seen from my pillow. Absolutely exhausted, but travelling with my mum will do that to a person!

I had a breakthrough moment yesterday that I want to share with you. After lunch, I ordered a coffee and it came with a mini chocolate chip cookie on the side. Normally, it wouldn’t have even touched the sides on the way down, but I let it sit there, and simply eyed it suspiciously. You would simply not believe the dialogue that went through my head, inspired by this tiny little cookie, about the size of the circle made by putting your thumb and forefinger together.

I looked at it… I resisted… I counted the chocolate chips… I drank my coffee…Well, I thought, I can’t eat it now, after the long lectures I’ve been giving my mother – she knows I’m not supposed to eat it… and not after all the fuss I’ve made thus far about getting PN-friendly food… Maybe I could just slip it in my mouth and she wouldn’t notice?…Wait, do I actually want it?…I certainly don’t need it…Nah, I don’t want it, I’m being sooo good, and I’m really proud of myself…But it’s just sitting there, looking at me…It can’t be more than 50-odd calories, what could it hurt?…I am not controlled by a cookie, I have my own will…I wonder what will happen to it if I don’t eat it; will it get thrown away? Shame to waste it….No, I can resist, I don’t even LIKE chocolate chip cookies particularly…Oh, mum’s gone back to the room…she wouldn’t know if I ate it….

And then I got up and went back to the room too, leaving that poor, lonely, chocolate chip cookie sitting on the side of the saucer by my empty coffee cup. This was a very symbolic moment in my life. I don’t think I’ve ever done the like before.

Afternoon snack was good and healthy, but by evening I was ravenous and craving carbohydrates. OK, I thought, let’s make this one of my ‘cheat’ meals. For non-PN readers, we are allowed 4 meals per week which don’t comply with PN guidelines. So I ordered a cheeseburger, fries, 2 scoops of coffee icecream, and a pot of hot chocolate. This was in a nice hotel, mind, so the burger was really good quality ground beef and the cheese was gruyere. Can’t do much with the fries, though. Do they count as a serving of veg??? Probably needed to wait after the burger to let it go down, but the ice cream was melting so rushed that down too. Damn, did I feel sick after all that. That would have been a pretty normal meal for me before Precision Nutrition. I was still feeling rough a couple of hours later. Skipped my evening snack and went to bed early instead. Perhaps I should have eaten the cookie.

One last thought. Today, on our way back to the UK, we came through two airports. Everytime I rounded a corner and saw a flight of steps my heart sank. When there was an escalator too, I took that. At one point, waiting for my mum to come out of the ladies’, I watched various people, of all shapes and sizes, young and old, come round the corner and walk straight up the stairs, ignoring the automated version completely. That’s my goal. I want to be one of those people.